You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Bring me that man meat
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize