She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize