Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
