I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
