just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
what day is it and did you see me today?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
