i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Sext me about skeletons
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
