At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
