chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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