So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
