There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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