Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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