1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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