maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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