you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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