Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Never joke about your clitoris.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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