My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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