A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
