So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
