stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
