every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
