I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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