I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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