i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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