I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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