Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
