I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
