You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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