Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I have grass duct taped all over my body
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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