Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
