atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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