If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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