she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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