she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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