Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
