i used baking grease as lip gloss
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
