i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize