Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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