i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
