My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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