i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
