You really coming over, don't trick.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
