so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
