I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
