What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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