apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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