you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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