I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Randomize
