Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
