just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Randomize
