hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i love accidental penises.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
