yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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