"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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