I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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