I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
