if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
