I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
