I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
