The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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