Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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