i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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