Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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