I cockslap morals
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize