You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
