My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
