I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
