my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
