trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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