I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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