Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize