I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
