that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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