good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
