Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
