i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
