saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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